A Vampire Story
by shungajinja
Summary: Edward Cullen gets sucked into Gensokyo! What will happen to him there? Read and find out! Rated M because I reserve the right to include gratuitous violence. Now featuring an unrelated bonus intermediate chapter.
1. Chapter 1

ONE DAY EDWARD CULLEN WAS WALKING ALONG WHEN A GAP APPEARED UNDER HIS FEET. AFTER FALLING FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS HE LANDED IN THE MIDDLE OF A DARK FOREST. HE HEARD THOUGHTS OF STRANGE CREATURES AROUND HIM, CHILDISH THOUGHTS WITHOUT MALICE.

SUDDENLY A FEW FAIRIES POPPED OUT OF THE BUSHES AND STARTLED HIM. HE STARED AT THEM AND THEY STARTED FLYING AROUND HIM AND TAUNTING HIM. "LOOK LOOK, ANOTHER HUMAN LOST IN THE WOODS!"

"LET'S MAKE HIM CRY!"

"YOU GUYS, THIS IS STUPID."

IGNORING THE FAIRIES ENTIRELY, HE RAN OUT OF THE FOREST REALLY FAST AND FOUND HIMSELF NEAR A LAKE WITH A GIANT MANOR ON THE OPPOSITE BANK. TWO MORE FAIRIES SHOWED UP, LOOKING DIFFERENT FROM THE LAST FEW.

"WOAH, LOOK AT ALL THE SPARKLES!"

"ARE YOU SOME KIND OF FAIRY, MISTER?"

AS MUCH AS HE LIKED TO BE THE STOIC SERIOUS GUY, BEING MISTAKEN FOR A FAIRY WAS A BIT INSULTING.

"I'M NOT A FAIRY. I'M A VAMPIRE." HE INSISTED, BUT THE FAIRIES LOOKED HIM OVER INCREDULOUSLY.

"YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A VAMPIRE! YOU'RE ALL SPARKLY AND OUT IN THE SUN!"

"HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A VAMPIRE BEFORE TO KNOW THAT?" AS HE SAID THIS, IT DAWNED ON HIM THAT SOMETHING REALLY WEIRD MUST BE GOING ON, BECAUSE HE WAS HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH A REAL LIFE FAIRY IN A STRANGE PLACE HE DIDN'T RECOGNIZE. HE CHIDED HIMSELF MENTALLY FOR BEING SLOW.

"WELL, THERE ARE TWO VAMPIRES IN THE MANSION ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LAKE, BUT THEY'RE SCARY AND CAN'T GO OUT IN THE SUN."

'CAN'T GO OUT INTO THE SUN?' EDWARD THOUGHT TO HIMSELF. EITHER THESE TWO WERE HIDING THEIR SECRET, OR THEY WERE JUST A COUPLE OF VAMPIRE POSEURS WHO BASED ALL THEIR CHARACTERIZATION OFF OF ANNE RICE NOVELS (PLEASE DON'T SUE ME ANNE RICE)

WHILE HE WAS THINKING TO HIMSELF, ONE OF THE TWO FAIRIES STARTED FREEZING HIM TO THE GROUND UP TO HIS KNEES. WHEN HE TRIED MOVING, HE SIMPLY FELL OVER, CAUSING HER TO LAUGH. HE GROWLED A BIT AT THIS AND PUNCHED THE ICE, CAUSING IT TO SHATTER INSTANTLY. THE FAIRIES WERE SOMEWHAT PUT OFF BY THIS AND DECIDE TO RETREAT TO PLAY WITH FROGS INSTEAD OF THIS STRANGE NEWCOMER. 'I SUPPOSE I SHOULD GO SEE WHAT IS UP WITH THOSE VAMPIRES IN THE MANSION. AT LEAST THAT WAY I CAN FIGURE OUT WHERE I AM AND WHERE I NEED TO GO.' EDWARD REASONED.

AS HE APPROACHED THE FRONT GATE TO THE MANOR, HE STARTED TO CALL OUT TO A RED-HEADED WOMAN WHO WAS SLEEPING IN FRONT OF THE GATE, BUT BEFORE HE COULD, A GIANT LASER BEAM PUMMELED HIM INTO THE GROUND, TEARING THROUGH THE GATE AND THE FRONT WALL OF THE MANSION. HE QUICKLY LOST CONSCIOUSNESS FROM THE HEAT AND CONCUSSIVE FORCE.

ABOUT THIRTY MINUTES LATER, A MAID CAME OUT OF THE MANSION, FLANKED BY A SMALL PURPLE WITCH WHO WAS DRAGGING A BAG TIED AT THE TOP AND FULL OF MARISA. THEY THREW THE BAG INTO THE LAKE, THEN CAME BACK, ONLY TO TRIP OVER THE BODY IN THE GROUND.

"WHAT IS IT? AND WHAT HAPPENED TO IT?" SAKUYA ASKED.

"IT'S SOME KIND OF MYTHICAL CREATURE, OBVIOUSLY" REMARKED PATCHOULI. "AND IT LOOKS LIKE A MASTER-SPARK-AND-RUN. THAT'S ILLEGAL, YOU KNOW. ANYWAY, LET'S DRAG IT INSIDE, MAYBE I CAN FIND A BOOK ABOUT IT OR SOMETHING." SO THE TWO PULLED THE CULLEN INSIDE TO THE LIBRARY, UNBEKNOWNST TO THE SCARLET SISTERS THEMSELVES, WHO WERE HAVING THEIR AFTERNOON NAP.

WILL THE SCARLET DEVIL MANOR TREAT OUR HUNDRED YEARS YOUNG HERO WELL? WILL MARISA ESCAPE FROM THAT BAG BEFORE SHE DROWNS? WILL SUWAKO SHOW UP AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF CIRNO? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT EXCITING EPISODE OF A VAMPIRE STORY!


	2. Chapter 2

EDWARD CULLEN AWOKE FROM UNEASY DREAMS TO FIND HE HAD BEEN CHANGED INTO A MONSTROUS VERMIN.

WAIT, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

'UGH, MY HEAD..' EDWARD THOUGHT TO HIMSELF AS HE SLOWLY CAME TO. HE WAS NOT PARTICULARLY INJURED, DESPITE THE HUGE BLAST HE HAD FALLEN VICTIM TO, BUT WAS STILL DAZED AND UNSURE OF HIS SURROUNDINGS. WHEN HE OPENED HIS EYES, HE SAW AN ORNATE CEILING FAR AWAY, AND GIANT BOOKSHELVES ON EITHER SIDE OF HIM. BEFORE HE COULD SIT UP TO GET A BETTER LOOK AROUND, HE HEARD THREE GIRLS GIGGLING FURIOUSLY A SHORT DISTANCE AWAY.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS, PATCHOULI-SAMA? IS THIS WHAT YOUR RESEARCH TURNED UP?"

"IT'S LIKE I SAID. THIS AND AND A FEW OTHERS LIKE IT WERE THE ONLY THINGS KOAKUMA AND I FOUND ABOUT A CREATURE LIKE HIM IN THE WHOLE LIBRARY. I THINK THIS MIGHT BE MORE THAN JUST A FICTIONAL STORY."

"I WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT IF THE EVIDENCE DIDN'T SHOW UP AT THE GATE. VAMPIRES THAT SPARKLE AND SMELL SWEET? I WONDER WHAT THE MISSTRESS WOULD THINK IF SHE HEARD ABOUT THIS."

SLOWLY, EDWARD GOT TO HIS FEET AND SNUCK CLOSER TO THE SOUNDS, HOPING TO OBSERVE THE PEOPLE BEFORE THEY REALIZED HE WAS AWAKE. THEY HAD APPARENTLY PICKED HIM UP FROM OUTSIDE, WHICH HE WAS GRATEFUL FOR, BUT HE STILL COULDN'T BE TOO CAREFUL. BESIDES, THEY SMELLED LIKE MORTALS, AND IF THAT WAS THE CASE, MAYBE THEY WERE THE VAMPIRE POSEURS THE FAIRIES HAD TOLD HIM ABOUT.

JUST AS HE PEERED OUT FROM BEHIND A BOOKSHELF, HE SAW A BLUE AND SILVER BLUR, AND THE NEXT THING HE NOTICED WAS A KNIFE PRESSED TO THE BACK OF HIS NECK.

"HEEL, SAKUYA. FROM WHAT I'VE READ IN THIS BOOK, OUR GUEST IS MOSTLY HARMLESS," PATCHOULI CALLED OUT. SAKUYA CLICKED HER TONGUE IN MILD FRUSTRATION AND CASUALLY WALKED BACK OVER TO PATCHOULI AND KOAKUMA, LEAVING A SLIGHTLY BEWILDERED EDWARD CULLEN TO COLLECT HIMSELF.

"I'M ACTUALLY REALLY DANGEROUS, YOU KNOW," HE RETORTED TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR.

"WE KNOW, WE KNOW. IT JUST ABOUT SAYS THAT EVERY TEN PAGES IN THIS BOOK," PATCHOULI REMARKED, HOLDING UP A COPY OF TWILIGHT. EDWARD JUST STARED AT IT, CONFUSED.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT EXACTLY IS THAT BOOK?"

"I'M NOT GOING TO TELL. FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF."

EDWARD NARROWED HIS EYES SLIGHTLY IN ANNOYANCE, THEN BEGAN TO READ PATCHOULI'S MIND. HOWEVER, INSTEAD OF HAVING TO PIECE IT TOGETHER HIMSELF, HE HEARD HER THINKING A CLEAR EXPLANATION OF THE NOVEL TO HIM. SHE NOTICED THE CHANGE IN HIS EXPRESSION AND RESUMED SPEAKING.

"THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. YOU REALLY DO READ MINDS. IT SEEMS THIS BOOK IS TELLING THE TRUTH AFTER ALL."

"CAN I STAB IT NOW?" SAKUYA ASKED, TWIRLING A KNIFE IN HER FINGERS AND WHINING A BIT.

"NO, NOW GO SEE IF OUR OTHER GUEST HAS ESCAPED FROM THAT BAG OR NOT, AND USE YOUR KNIVES TO TEST IT." SAKUYA BEAMED AT THIS SUGGESTION BEFORE DISAPPEARING IN ANOTHER BLUR. PATCHOULI SIGHED LIGHTLY. "SO, MR. CULLEN, BEING A VAMPIRE OF ANOTHER WORLD AND HAVING WOUND UP IN THIS ONE, YOU'VE NO DOUBT COME TO THIS MANSION SEEKING THE ONLY TWO VAMPIRES ANYONE EVER TALKS ABOUT AROUND HERE IN ORDER TO GET SOME ANSWERS ABOUT THEM AND THIS WORLD. THEY'RE UPSTAIRS. SAKUYA WILL BE BACK MOMENTARILY TO ESCORT YOU. NORMALLY I WOULD PROVIDE A BIT MORE EXPOSITION THAN THIS, BUT I THINK REMI REALLY WANTS TO DO IT, SO I WON'T GET IN HER WAY OR SHE'LL BE POUTING FOR WEEKS. OH, AND YOU GOT KNOCKED OUT WHEN YOU FIRST SHOWED UP, BUT WE BROUGHT YOU INSIDE."

EDWARD STOOD WITH HIS JAW HANGING OPEN. PATCHOULI SEEMED UNFAZED BY THIS. AS HE COLLECTED HIMSELF, HE MANAGED TO MUMBLE "WELL, THANK YOU... IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN REPAY YOU FOR THIS?"

"OH, DON'T MENTION IT. I'VE ALREADY COLLECTED SAMPLES OF YOUR BODILY TISSUES AND ALL OF YOUR BODILY FLUIDS. THIS SHOULD PROVIDE ADEQUATE SAMPLES FOR MAGICAL RESEARCH IN THE FUTURE. YOU'VE ALREADY DONE QUITE ENOUGH SIMPLY BY SHOWING UP UNCONSCIOUS."

EDWARD STARED FOR A MINUTE, THEN BLUSHED ABOUT AS MUCH AS A HUNGRY MUSEUM STATUE CAN. SAKUYA RETURNED WITH A CRAZED GRIN ON HER FACE, ACCENTUATED BY THE BLOOD ON HER FACE. "THE MISSTRESS WILL SEE YOU NOW."

EDWARD WAS SOMEWHAT CONCERNED BY THE NATURE OF THIS MANOR'S INHABITANTS.

HOW WILL REMILIA REACT TO THIS NEWCOMER IN HER MANSION? WILL FLANDRE GET IN ON THE ACT SOMEHOW? WHY IS PATCHOULI SUCH A CREEP? AND JUST WHAT THE FUCK DID SAKUYA DO TO THAT BAG OF MARISA OUTSIDE? ALL THIS AND MORE IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF A VAMPIRE STORY! 


	3. Chapter 3

"BELLA, LIGHT OF MY LIFE, FIRE OF MY LOINS. MY SIN, MY SOUL."

THE TELEVISION DRONED ON AS THE DVD WHIRLED IN THE PLAYER. THE SCARLET SISTERS WERE ENTHRALLED BY THE SCENE.

EDWARD WAS SOMEWHAT DISMAYED, BUT MORESO PERPLEXED AS HE STOOD IN THE DOORWAY. THE TWO LITTLE GIRLS BEFORE HIM WERE, ACCORDING TO EVERYTHING HE HAD HEARD, THE VAMPIRES IN QUESTION. HOWEVER, THEY LOOKED ALMOST... SILLY WITH THOSE WINGLIKE PROJECTIONS FROM THEIR BACKS. HE COULDN'T IMAGINE HOW THEY COULD BE VAMPIRES, EVEN THOUGH THEY SEEMED QUITE UNDEAD AS FAR AS HE COULD TELL.

"THE MISTRESS AND HER YOUNGER SISTER ARE QUITE BIG FANS OF YOUR MOVIE, YOU SEE," SAKUYA EXPLAINED QUIETLY, TRYING TO AVOID DISTURBING THE GIRLS.

"WAIT, THERE'S A MOVIE TOO?" EDWARD WAS FAR LESS TACTFUL DUE TO HIS SHOCK, WHICH PROMPTED THE SISTERS TO TURN AND LOOK AT HIM.

A BLUR OF COLOR WAS HIS ONLY WARNING AS THEY 236C'D TO HIM, KNOCKING HIM OVER AND SQUEALING.

"OHMIGOD SAKUYA THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER!" THEY SHRIEKED SIMULTANEOUSLY, EACH CLINGING TO ONE OF EDWARD'S ARMS. 'WELL, THEY CERTAINLY HAVE VAMPIRIC STRENGTH,' EDWARD THOUGHT AS HE SAT UP. HOWEVER, AT THIS EXACT MOMENT, REMILIA AND FLANDRE BEGAN TO STARE EACH OTHER DOWN AS A SMALL TUG-OF-WAR OVER THE CELEBRITY BROKE OUT. IT SOON ESCALATED, WITH THE TWO PULLING INTENSELY ON EACH ARM, CAUSING A FAIR BIT OF DISCOMFORT TO POOR EDWARD. JUST AS HE WAS ABOUT TO PUSH THEM BOTH OFF, SAKUYA PLUCKED REMILIA UP BY THE BACK OF HER DRESS AND PLOPPED HER IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM.

"NOW NOW, MILADY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ACT LIKE A PROPER YOUNG LADY AND HOSTESS. YOU WANTED TO EXPLAIN THINGS TO OUR GUEST, SO PLEASE DO SO."

"OH, FINE!" REMILIA HUFFED, PROMPTING FLANDRE TO MAKE TRIUMPHANT FACES AT HER. IGNORING THEM, SHE CLEARED HER THROAT AND PUT ON HER MOST POMPOUS AND IMPORTANT DEMEANOR. "WELL, EDWARD, AS YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T YOUR WORLD. AS PRESIDENT OF THE GENSOKYO CHAPTER OF THE EDWARD CULLEN FANCLUB, I USED MY MANIPULATION OF FATE TO DRAG YOU INTO THIS WORLD FOR A VISIT."

"SHE DOESN'T REALLY MANIPULATE FATE, SHE JUST WAITS FOR INTERESTING THINGS TO HAPPEN AND PRETENDS SHE MADE IT HAPPEN. ISN'T SHE CUTE?" SAKUYA SMILED AT HER MISTRESS, WHO TURNED BRIGHT RED AND STAMPED HER FOOT IN ANNOYANCE.

"SAKUYAAAAA! STOP EMBARASSING ME IN FRONT OF OUR ESTEEMED GUEST!"

SAKUYA BOWED AND VANISHED, PRESUMABLY TO GO THROW MORE KNIVES AT THE WATERLOGGED BAG BY THE LAKE.

"NOW THEN, AS I WAS SAYING, WELCOME TO GENSOKYO. AS MUCH AS I'D LIKE YOU TO STAY, I'D IMAGINE YOU'D LIKE TO GET BACK TO YOUR BELOVED BELLA. IN THIS CASE, WE SHOULD PROBABLY PAY A VISIT TO YUKARI, WHO HAS THE ABILITY TO MANIPULATE... BOUNDARIES..." REMILIA TRAILED OFF AS SHE NOTICED THAT EDWARD WAS DISTRACTED BY PLAYING WITH FLANDRE. SHE BEGAN TO SNIFFLE LOUDLY, CAUSING EDWARD TO LOOK APOLOGETIC AND WAVE HER OVER. AS MUCH AS HE WANTED TO GET BACK TO HIS FAMILY, HE FIGURED HE COULD AFFORD TO SPEND A LITTLE TIME WITH HIS FANS.

IS REMILIA REALLY JUST A USELESS CRYBABY? IS YUKARI BEHIND THIS PREDICAMENT, AND CAN SHE HELP EDWARD GET HOME? IS MARISA SOMEHOW STILL ALIVE? WHY IS EVERYTHING IN FUCKING CAPS? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, IN THE SECOND TO LAST EPISODE OF A VAMPIRE STORY! 


	4. Intermediate Chapter: Red Tea

Dear gentle readers,  
In light of recent events concerning broken operating systems and lost chapters as well as laptops, I have deigned to present you with an intermediate story of fair quality in order to show that I have not forgotten about you in any way, shape or form.

Please read warmly as it begins, and remember that real vampires appreciate tea.

紅魔官紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館レミリアが好きだ紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館

Remilia was weary. Her mansion had just been ransacked by a pair of unwelcome guests with obnoxious spellcards, who proceeded to beat up herself and the other inhabitants of her mansion in order to stop her plans to go outside without a parasol. Despite being a powerful vampire of 500 years, she was handily defeated by a pair of humans who left just as abruptly as they came.

"Sakuya! Bring me a cup of tea, and have the remaining fairy maids clean up around here! I'll be retiring to my room for now."

"At once, milady." Sakuya curtsied briefly, then blinked out of sight, using her time manipulation to carry out her orders as quickly as possible. Remilia smirked bitterly, grateful for at least one thing to be going her way this night. That, and the fact that her sister remained blissfully silent in the basement, despite the racket coming from upstairs.

As Remilia crossed the hallway to her master bedroom, she found herself stopping at the window and staring at the moon looming overhead. "Even though the moon is so red..." she muttered to herself, becoming lost in the thoughts of a young mistress as the ambient noise of the mansion's inhabitants competed with the noise of the night from outside.

紅魔官紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館レミリアが好きだ紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館

"Alright, so, what's the best choice of tea for this situation, when the mistress is so down and defeated?" Sakuya wondered aloud as she rummaged through the mansion's spacious pantry. As a skilled maid, she was well versed in teas, both in terms of selecting a good tea for a situation as well as being knowledgeable about the history and preparation of an individual tea. After several minutes of deliberation, she selected a black tea with rose petals and set it on the counter before beginning the process of boiling spring water and preparing china for the mistress's tea. The loose tea leaves were brewed in a separate container, and the teapot and cup were themselves rinsed with hot water to keep them from cooling the tea too quickly. After a few minutes of steeping at just under boiling temperatures, the tea was ready to be strained into the teapot. Sakuya moved the china to a small pushcart, along with milk, honey, and a modest plate of scones for Remilia to enjoy. Once everything was in place, she began the silent trek to her mistress's bedroom.

Despite being known for abusing her powers to be the perfect maid, Sakuya took her time traveling across the mansion whenever she had to deliver things like this. Although she took pride in her work at keeping the mansion tidy and running smoothly, her true pleasure was in performing these simple yet personal tasks and keeping the mistress company. It was in these instances where she felt she truly shined, as both a maid and a companion. So as she crossed the final hallway that led to Remilia's bedroom, she stopped briefly to enjoy the glow streaming into the mansion from the bright red moon overhead. "Because the moon is so red..."

Sakuya trailed off, leaving the thought unfinished as she strode into the master bedroom of the mansion, pushing the cart of tea along.

紅魔官紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館レミリアが好きだ紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館

Remilia sighed as she settled into a small rocking chair by a window in her room. Although it might have seemed absurd to see such a young looking figure in such a chair, no one who has been fortunate enough to come across one when feeling weary and battered will deny its effectiveness. The young scarlet mistress set to rocking back and forth gently, waiting for the sounds of wheels and footsteps to enter her room. She knew better than to expect a knock - manipulation of fate means some prior knowledge of fate, and she already knew that Sakuya would simply walk in and serve the tea. Even this did not make her omnipotent, however, and few events had served to make this more obvious than this last one. 'A shrine maiden and a human witch...' Remilia recalled the fights she had just faced, one opponent using powerful sealing magics, and the other using overwhelming magical strength that made her own techniques seem elegant but impotent by comparison. She rubbed her temples in frustration and gave up trying to understand it just as Sakuya arrived with the tea.

"Sakuya, I hope the tea is still piping hot by now."

"I apologize in advance, milady. I was briefly entranced by the moon."

"It's fine. Please pour the tea. It smells like black tea with roses tonight."

"Very well. And might I add that milady is correct about what kind of tea it is." Sakuya began pouring tea into the teacup, leaving a small amount of room in the cup for milk and honey. Remilia added a small amount of each to the cup, then took a sip, closing her eyes and leaning back in the chair as she did.

"It's surprisingly sweet and mild for black tea. Is this Darjeeling?"

"Actually, this one is a Chinese tea that Meiling requested from Kourindou. The official name for this tea is Dian hong, though another common name is Yunnan Red."

"Red? I would think that they would call it a Yunnan Black."

Sakuya smiled faintly at the way Remilia quickly forgot her troubles and immersed herself in thoughts of tea. Even though Meiling was more well versed in the history of Chinese tea than she was, she would endeavor to keep the conversation going for her mistress's sake. "In western countries it is called Yunnan Black, but because it's an Asian tea, it would be considered a red tea. It's even written with a character for red."

"Ah, of course. How fitting for a vampire, then, to be drinking red tea under a red moon." Remilia took a few thoughtful sips, then glanced up at her loyal servant. "And what of the rose flavor?"

"Well, this tea is normally prepared with rose as a flavoring, but I supplemented it with some rose petals from the garden to enhance it. Forgive me if I should have asked permission first."

"Hm. Diligent as always."

Silence filtered into the room like a scarlet mist as Remilia sat gripping her teacup, neither speaking nor drinking nor even sending her maid away. Minutes passed, and the tea slowly grew cold in the pot. At last, Remilia dismissed Sakuya, who curtsied once more before taking the tea set back to the kitchen.

The moon passed over the mansion, and Remilia sat alone, contemplating what to do next.

紅魔官紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館レミリアが好きだ紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館紅魔館

The next morning, Sakuya was yawning as she oversaw the last bits of cleanup when she heard Remilia calling for her. 'Strange.. I would expect the mistress to be preparing for bed at this time,' she thought as she answered the call coming from the main foyer. When she arrived, the first thing she noticed was that Remilia seemed much different from the previous night. Somehow... completely cheerful?

"Sakuya, please prepare a parasol and a small satchel of that red tea for me."

"At once, milady, but may I ask what for?" Sakuya was taken aback by the sudden change, but hopeful that it for the best.

"I have to uphold my honor as the mistress of this manor, so I will be paying a visit to that shrine across the lake." Remilia flashed a wry grin at her maid, who smiled in response. "And if we should have a rematch, at least it'll be their place getting destroyed this time!"

Sakuya nodded, disappearing and reappearing in a flash with the requested items. "I will dutifully watch over the mansion in your absence as always."

"Thank you, Sakuya. And thank Meiling for the tea for me, as well." With that, the Scarlet Devil took the items and set off to take her revenge on the red-white shrine maiden and her white-black accomplice.


	5. Chapter 4

"GEEZ, YOU'RE PRETTY DAMN HEAVY FOR SOMETHING SO GRACEFUL."

EDWARD FROWNED AND CONSIDERED PROTESTING THIS, BUT DECIDED NOT TO ARGUE WITH THE PERSON FLYING HIM ALONG TO SEE YUKARI. HE WAS, HOWEVER, GRATEFUL FOR THE SHADE PROVIDED BY THE PARASOL SAKUYA WAS HOLDING.

"WAIT A MINUTE, WHY AM I DOING THE CARRYING? YOU'RE BIGGER, SAKUYA!"

"BUT MISSTRESS, IF I WERE TO CARRY HIM, WHO WOULD HOLD YOUR PARASOL FOR YOU?"

"I COULD DO THAT MUCH MYSELF!"

"DON'T BE SILLY, MISSTRESS. I COULDN'T POSSIBLY ALLOW YOU TO DIRTY YOUR HANDS WITH SUCH SERVANT LABOR." SAKUYA STIFLED A SNICKER AS REMILIA HUFFED, TRYING TO THINK OF A SUITABLE RETORT. PATCHOULI WAS TRAILING BEHIND THEM, VOMITING COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF BLOOD ALL OVER THE FOREST AND RUINING SEVERAL YOUKAI PLAY-DATES. IT WAS A RELATIVELY NORMAL DAY FOR THE SCARLET DEVIL MANSION AS THEY AIR-LIFTED EDWARD TO MAYOHIGA.

JUST AS THEY ARRIVED, CHEN FLEW OUT TO GREET THEM.

"NO MORE! NO MORE PEOPLE COMING TO BEAT ME UP AND STEAL OUR STUFF! I DON'T CARE IF IT'S LUCKY!"

EDWARD WAS LOST IN HIS OWN THOUGHTS AT THIS POINT, AND DIDN'T RESPOND TO THIS. 'WHAT? A CATGIRL? I THOUGHT THOSE ONLY EXISTED IN THOSE DIRTY JAPANESE COMICS JASPER AND ALICE WERE INTO..'

"SHUT UP, CHEN, UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE MADE INTO SNACKS." SAKUYA READIED HER KNIVES, CAUSING CHEN TO COWER AND RUN BACK INSIDE, YELLING FOR RAN.

EDWARD SUDDENLY CAME UPON A MEMORY. IN IT, HE HAD GONE TO SEE WHAT JASPER AND ALICE WERE DOING WITH THEIR NEW COMPUTER. UNFORTUNATELY, HE FAILED TO KNOCK, AND WALKED IN ON HIS 'SIBLINGS' MOSTLY NAKED IN FRONT OF SEVERAL SEXUAL DEPICTIONS OF A TOO-YOUNG LOOKING CATGIRL WITH TWO TAILS. THEY BOTH SAID AT THE SAME TIME...

"CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!" EDWARD WAS SHAKEN OUT OF HIS THOUGHTS BY RAN'S YELLING. WHEN HE LOOKED DOWN AT THE HOUSE THEY HAD FLOWN TO, HE SAW A MUCH LARGER WOMAN WITH FOX EARS AND TAILS. LOTS OF TAILS. HE MADE A MENTAL NOTE TO NEVER GO TO JAPAN AS HE FINALLY REALIZED WHAT THIS WORLD WAS.

"I BET YOU ARE THE ONE WHO TORMENTED CHEN, AREN'T YOU?" RAN YELLED AT SAKUYA.

"DON'T JUDGE SOMETHING BY LOOKS ALONE."

"OH, I'M MISTAKEN."

"NO, YOU AREN'T."

BEFORE RAN COULD DECLARE A SPELLCARD, SAKUYA STOPPED TIME, THEN GRABBED PATCHOULI, WHO HAD JUST CAUGHT UP, AND PLACED HER DIRECTLY ABOVE THE TWO SHIKIGAMI. AS TIME BEGAN AGAIN, THEY FOUND THEMSELVES SUDDENLY COVERED IN BLOOD.

"YOU ARE ALREADY DEAD." SAKUYA DECLARED WHILE STRIKING A COOL POSE. THE SHIKIGAMI DUO SHRIEKED AND RAN INSIDE TO GET YUKARI.

"SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AROUND HERE LATELY?" REMILIA SAID WITH EXASPERATION AS SHE DROPPED EDWARD OFF AND FLEW UNDER THE EAVES OF THE HOUSE TO AVOID BEING SUNBURNT. SAKUYA SHRUGGED, THEN USHERED THE GROUP INSIDE. AFTER A FEW MINUTES OF SEARCHING, THEY FOUND THE BEDROOM, WHICH CONTAINED A MOVING PILE OF BLANKETS.

"OHMIGOSH A BLANKET MONSTER! SAKUYA, KILL!"

"CALM DOWN, MISSTRESS. IT'S PROBABLY YUKARI HERSELF."

SLOWLY, THE BLANKETS SHIFTED, REVEALING A BLEARY-EYED YUKARI. "Okay, what is it that you people had to wake me up for?"

"WELL, THIS EDWARD CULLEN GUY RANDOMLY SHOWED UP AT MY MANSION, AND WE'RE TRYING TO SEND HIM BACK HOME SO HE CAN MAKE MORE MOVIES IN THE HUMAN WORLD, AND I DON'T KNOW, I JUST WANTED TO BE ALL COOL AND RESOLVE AN INCIDENT FOR ONCE!"

"Okay, okay, calm down. And Remilia, why are you talking like that?"

"LIKE WHAT?"

"...Nevermind. Anyway, I don't know why or how Mr. Cullen wound up in Gensokyo, but I can certainly open a gap to send him back. We certainly have enough vampires here already."

"HEY WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

"I AGREE. IT'S TOO MUCH OF A HASSLE." PATCHOULI CHIMED IN.

"YEAH, IT'S BEST TO JUST HAVE THE TWO NOISY ONES AND A COUPLE OF QUIET ONES." SAKUYA AGREED, BEING MINDFUL OF PC-98 CANON.

REMILIA TURNED RED AND STARTED SNIFFLING, AND EVERYONE BECAME AWARE OF HER TRUE POWER - ABILITY TO MANIPULATE EMOTIONS BY BEING PATHETIC AND ADORABLE.

"Aaaanyway, if you'll just step through this portal Mr. Cullen, you should be back home in a day or so." YUKARI DREW A LINE IN THE AIR WITH HER PARASOL, CREATING A VERTICAL GAP IN SPACE. EDWARD GULPED VISIBLY FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE DYING, THEN STEPPED CLOSER.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IN A DAY OR SO? IS THIS THING DANGEROUS? AND WHAT'S ON THE OTHER SIDE?"

"Oh, it's fine. It takes a while to send people so far if they don't actually belong here, and sometimes you bump into other travelers along the way, but you don't seem to have many interdimensional enemies, so you should be fine." YUKARI SAT UP TO REVEAL THAT SHE WAS, IN FACT, A NUDE SLEEPER. EDWARD LOOKED AWAY RESPECTFULLY, REMILIA AND SAKUYA GLARED WITH JEALOUSY, AND PATCHOULI CASUALLY ADJUSTED THE TOO-SMALL BRA SHE WORE TO KEEP HER MANSIONMATES FROM GOING INSANE WITH JEALOUSY.

AS EDWARD MOVED TO WALK THROUGH THE GAP, GOODBYES WERE QUICKLY EXCHANGED, THEN STIFLED BY YUKARI CASUALLY YAWNING AND STRETCHING, THEN LETTING HER OUTSTRETCHED HAND FALL ON EDWARD'S ASS BEFORE GIVING HIM A SQUEEZE AND A PUSH. "Mmm, nice and young." EVERYONE WAS AGHAST.

As Edward was pushed through space by the gap, he slowly found himself feeling more normal than usual. Almost as though there were some mysterious magic affecting him just by being in the other world. He felt full of chagrin and prettiness, and realized he left the stove on at home while warming some sheep blood casserole from the previous night. However, when he finally felt himself stop moving, he wasn't at home, but a different dimension entirely...

What will become of our dashing hero? Where is he now? Why isn't this shitty story over yet? Find out the next time I can be bothered to write something for it, in our final chapter! 


End file.
